I haven’t posted for a while, mostly because so much has been going on that it is almost too big and raw to write down for public viewing.  I was telling a friend recently how I am typically a better raw emotion writer than a “what’s happening today” sort of writer.  I’m not sure that a public blog is the right venue for the deep well of emotions I sometimes need to express.  I originally wanted to blog to improve my “normal” writing skills.  Instead, I’ve found myself skipping it altogether.

So what has been going on?  Well, long story short, I’ve been struggling with some big family stuff—childhood issues that have reared their ugly head once again.  But this time I am slowly, painfully walking through it instead of consciously or unconsciously avoiding it.  During this process, I feel like I’m in the spin cycle.  I’m being washed, but in the process I’m getting all shaken up.

In honor of Independence Day, I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom.  How Yoga is ALL about freedom, or liberation.  In the Tantric view of yoga, we are all perfect, whole and complete, but we have malas or coverings to move through to find our own perfection.  In my Sufi studies, I’ve learned that there is a similar teaching—that we have thousands of veils covering us from discovering our own light which is the light of God.  If all of those malas or veils were removed too quickly, we’d be over taken by Light—so much so that we would probably retreat.  So, as life has it, we walk through different things at different times.  Baby steps, if you will, so we can discover the freedom of our souls, our own power, as our spirits are ready.

In a Vedic Astrology reading not too long ago, my Jyotish read in my chart that I am a liberation “junkie”, a moksha fiend.  I wonder if that is why it seems like I have walked through so many emotional struggles already in my lifetime.  I’m pushing aside the veils left and right as a sort of fast track to finding independence from my suffering.  Thinking of it this way IS truly liberating! 

It’s been a whirlwind 5 days or so.  I spent Wednesday through Friday in an intense Anusara Yoga Teacher Training with Christina Sell and Noah Maze.  I’d been through the training before, but got a lot out of it once again.  For one thing, I feel affirmed that I’m on the right track with my teaching.  I’ve been doubting myself lately, but this training helped me to see that with some refinements, I may actually be able to become an Anusara Inspired teacher.

My favorite day of the training, was Friday, when we worked on threading a heart based theme from a personal experience.  I thought I might put that exercise to use here on this blog, since I had a really wonderful experience on Sunday listening to the great bassist, Stanley Clark.

I grew up playing the piano and then the flute.  Music is what I excelled in as a kid and it is how I ended up paying for most of my college education.  Although I’ve not played professionally for a while, I have a deep love of music—especially jazz.  Last night, some really wonderful client’s of mine treated me to see Stanley Clark at the One World Theatre.  Now this is a man who’s been playing bass with all kinds of amazing musician’s since the 60s.  He most notably played with Chick Corea and Return to Forever.

When I saw him last night, Stanley was playing with 3 young guys, all under the age of 30.  They were all amazing musicians—really some of the best playing I’ve ever heard.  I was taken with how even though Stanley was headlining, his real agenda was to promote these talented young players.  There was certainly a give and take.  While Stanley was acting as a sort of mentor or teacher, he was also learning–staying fresh in his playing through the lens of the new talent he surrounded himself with.

In the Tantric philosophies that inform Anusara Yoga, there is the idea that we are all intrinsically good, that we all have something to offer one another.  Stanley was offering his wisdom and music-making experience to these young musicians.  His bandmates were offering a fresh approach, young ears and souls to the general creation of wonderful sounds.  When I teach, I am offering knowledge gleaned as an experienced yoga practicioner, but I’m learning at the same time from my students.  There is a balanced action to sharing and receiving wisdom.  When we realize the greatness we all have to offer, we can shine more fully in the light of grace.

Last Wednesday, I finally made the time to do what I’ve wanted to do for a while:  work on an organic farm.  My friend Jeff interns with Johnson’s Backyard Garden and turned me on to their community work days.  For 5 hours, I got to sit in the dirt, harvesting beautiful organically grown veggies—some I’d never heard of.  It was so grounding and filling for my soul. 

I started the day by pulling hearty dinosaur kale off stalks.  Then I got to go help thin the beet greens–a tedious, yet meditative tasks.  I spent most of my time, though, harvesting kohlrabis.  I’d never even heard of a kohlrabi until Wednesday.  It looks like a white or lavender beet that grows above ground.  In reality, it is a member of the cabbage and broccoli family.  I spent hours cutting the ball-like kohlrabi away from it’s root, bundling 3 or 4 of them and keeping count of how many bunches I bundled. 

The last 30 minutes or so of my farm day was spent washing the veggies, and placing them in boxes for the CSA (community supported agriculture) program.  For my efforts, I was rewarded with a box chalk full of healthy, hearty veggies, including kohlrabis, never touched by chemicals. 

That afternoon I took all my veggies out of the box and was overtaken with a sense of gratitude.  These veggies were in the ground that morning.  Loving people labored to harvest them, and they would be on my table that evening.  I sauteed some spinach, radish and kohlrabi in ghee for dinner and felt the energy of the food like I never have before. 

This week I’ve had a new found curiosity about food—how to prepare it, where it comes from, etc.  My fridge is still filled with organic beet greens, collards, mint and parsley.  Never have I been so good about eating my veggies…

I’m going back to work on the farm on April 22nd from 8am-1pm.  Anyone want to check it out?  Here’s the link:  http://www.johnsonsbackyardgarden.com/

I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Earth Day!!!

Doh for two reasons:

1) I haven’t kept up on my blog-writing (not even with pictures)

2) I think I may have done the thing I’ve been warned about but never thought would happen to me.

#2 deserves more attention this evening…

So I was subbing Charlie’s 2 Sunday morning classes and in the 10:30 class we were working towards the full form of Vasistasana (side plank with the top leg lifted in supta padangusthasana B).  I hadn’t done any asana practice earlier in the morning because I’ve been obsessed with getting my garden put in and have been using the coolness of the mornings to work outside.  When I teach, I don’t often practice—I’m too busy observing and getting a read for what kind of instructions the students need.  I do, however, demo.  I’ve been warned so many times about getting injured while demo-ing that I do try to do a few demo poses with the class to warm myself up.  So today was no different, but apparently I wasn’t warm enough….and my ego got in the way a little.  I was demonstrating the full form of vasisthasana and kept falling back.  In my head I’m thinking about Christina’s AMAZING demos and wanting mine to serve that kind of purpose (”burn the image of the pose and its actions into the retina of your students eyes”).  So I tried again, really scooping my tailbone, really externally rotating my upper leg, really extending out—-when I felt it— a little tear right in the meaty part of my left hamstring (the lifted leg).  Ah, the pose felt really good, even more expansive than usual, but I was concerned about that overstretch feeling.  For those of you that know me, you know I’ve struggled for a while with my painstackingly slowly opening hamstrings (in other words, they’re super tight).  So on one hand, it almost felt freeing to feel that stretch.  But I was left with a slight queasy feeling which is my body’s way of telling me I’ve injured myself.  Luckily, I was able to finish my class, but I had another to teach right after.

Between classes, I found an ice pack and strapped it to the back of my leg.  I was feeling aweful knowing what I had done and angry at myself for letting it happen.  Luckily I got my hands on some ibuprofen and was able to get through the second class pretty well.

So it felt like a really good lesson.  I’m not sure if I like that sometimes it takes an injury to teach me a lesson, but I’m happy to learn it nonetheless.  I’ve felt really strapped for time for myself lately and so I’ve really let my own home practice slide.  If nothing else, I’ve got to devote at least 15 minutes before teaching to getting my own body warm and open for class.  That, or I need to utilize my students more for demos.

I’ve been icing my leg on and off all day, at it really seems okay, thus far.  I have a feeling tomorrow will tell me what damage I might have done.  The funny thing is that the opposite leg feels amazingly tight compared to the leg I overstretched.  So I can’t help but wonder if something had to give for me to get my stubborn hamstrings to lengthen.  Only time will tell…

I’ve noticed since I’ve been back in town (and out of the silence) how much natural input from each day affects my meditation practice.  It is getting harder and harder to stay focused on my breath or on the sensations in my body during my daily sits.  I’m sure this is normal….It makes perfect sense.  But I can’t help but long for that amazing focus I developed while on retreat.

Ah, there I go again….CRAVING something.  Or having an AVERSION to not getting what I long for.  This is the way of our humanity, eh?!

Nevertheless, my meditation practice has had a profound effect on my yoga practice.  Over the weekend in our Anusara Yoga Immersion, I experienced many “A-HA” moments in poses I’ve done a thousand times.  But they were new to me…and better… once something new clicked.  This is what I LOVE about asana practice.  It will last me forever.  I’ll keep learning new things and hopefully, I’ll still be saying, “that is SO cool!”about something I discover within my body even when I’m 80!

What I learned from Vipassana meditation is that although we know so much at an intellectual level, we may not be able to truly utilize it until we know it at an experiential level.  In Anusara yoga we discover that the reason we practice is for chit, or self knowledge, and ananda, the delight of experiencing that self knowledge.  So I think what I really experienced over the weekend was true ananda.  There was a inner joy that radiated within me when I had those “A-HA” moments.  I EXPERIENCED the principles of alignment that I’ve been intellectually getting to know for quite some time.

So how did my meditation practice effect my asana practice?

I felt way more focused while being in my physical practice of asana.  I was more aware of the sensations, gross and subtle, pulsating in my body.  The normal chatter of my mind was significantly more quiet, allowing me space to take in new information.

It takes great effort for me to be disciplined enough to sit for 2 hours each day, especially now that life is getting back to normal.  So I’m grateful to witness how much benefit I gain from this effort.  I’m also grateful for all my teachers who continue to share information with me, whether I get it the first time or the 101st time (thanks Christina!)

On Tuesday, I got back to Austin after 10 days in Kaufmann, TX for a Silent Vipassana Meditation Retreat.  This is something I had wanted to do for a very long time, but couldn’t work out in my head how I’d take off 10 days NOT to be in the mountains or by the ocean or in some other fabulous locale.  Luckily, my desire for spiritual growth prevaled and I signed up for the December 26th-Jan 6th Retreat back in September.   Since my mom died in 2005, the holidays have been a bit meloncholy for me and also deeply reflective.  As December wore on, I was blessed with a little down time to really process some reflections about 2008 and create some intentions for 2009.  As I do every December, I looked back at my journal entry for Jan. 2008 and checked to see if I had progressed like I had wanted to during the year.  I also looked back at Jan. 2007 for fun and realized that both years  I had goals to create and keep a meditation practice.  So I’ve been struggling with this meditation thing for at least 2 years now, if not more.  A little envy bubbles up inside me whenever I hear about someone’s meditation practice.  Why can they sit and quiet their mind while I am completely hopeless and keeping myself focused?  So it seemed to me that this 10 day immersion in meditation might be what I needed to kick start some sort of practice.

Now that I’m through it, I realize I was right.  But had I truly known how difficult it would have been, I’m not sure I would have actually gone…

Vipassana meditation is a very specific technique that people of all religions and spiritual beliefs can learn.  It is the art of purifying the mind to see things as they really are.  There is no dogma, just a very clear set of rules for practice.  The technique itself is the contribution of Gotama, the Buddha (enlighted one).  It began in India at the time of Buddha, but was eventually lost.  In Bhurma, the technique survived in a very small population and eventually was brought back to India by the teacher S.N. Goenka.  Since then it has thrived and spread through the world through these 10 day courses.  I’m just giving a very general overview of Vipassana’s history, but you can learn much more at www.dhamma.org.

Right before the heading out to visit my dad for a few days in Dallas before going to the Retreat Center, I developed a bit of fear about 10 days with just me and my mind.  After all, the whole reason I wanted to meditate was to quiet my mind, particularly all the negative messages it was giving me.  A deep part of me knew that this was the way to go for me, but at the surface level I was terrified of what would come up in my mind for it to “get clean”.  Like any other kind of purification, it usually involves the muck coming to the surface before any kind of clarity is reached.

Once I reached the Center, and got registered and settled into my room, I had an hour or so to explore the area and chat with other attendees before our group meeting and the start of Noble Silence.  I met a few women who had sat the 10 days before and they gave me some of the best advice.  One women said, “no matter how hard it is, remember that we’re all suffering.  And whatever you do…DON’T LEAVE!”

Ah, so this is why we were asked to leave our valuables and electronics with the management…..

As my fear was rising, I inquired more about other’s past experiences and another woman said, “don’t worry, the teacher is SUCH a GOOD TEACHER, you’ll know exactly what to do…”

As I sat in silence for 9 days, both of these snippets saved me somehow—they kept me from running away at a few crucial times along the journey.  And it was true—the Teacher was SO clear and really one of the best teachers I’ve experienced.

We were assigned cushions in the meditation hall that would be our “home” for up to 10 hours each day for duration of the course.  In our first sitting, we learned about the foundation of all practice, sila, or moral conduct.  For the duration of the course we agreed to follow the following 5 precepts:  1.  to abstain from killing any being; 2.  to abstain from stealing; 3.  to abstain from all sexual activity; 4.  to abstain from telling lies; 5.  to abstain from all intoxicants.   We also declared ourselves willing ro comply fully and for the duration of the course with the teacher’s guidance and instructions.  For the next 10 days we were to give the techniques we learned our full attention and to let go of any other forms of meditation we might have learned in the past.  This is to give this technique a fair trial.

As the days went on, I was so thankful for our rigid schedule and all the rules put in place before we began.  I quickly understood their purpose.  Everything during the course was very intentionally set so that we as students could get the most out of our experiences.  We begin with sila, moral conduct, which provides a basis for the development of samadhi—concentration of the mind.  It took us 3 and a half days to work on samadhi.  Day 4 was Vipassana Day, when we finally learned the full technique and moved into the 3rd stage of practice—purification of the mind achieved through panna, the wisdom of insight.

While I won’t go into the details of each of the days, I will say the the most fascinating thing for me was to watch myself go from being squirmy and in intense pain, to being able to sit for one full hour and tolerate those same sensations.  It took me four days to be able to sit for one hour without changing positions.  And after that, I might still change positions once or twice during an hour, but day by day, an hour of sitting got easier and easier.   The challenge of this technique is to be disciplined in your examination of sensations, gross and subtle, and to be equaniminous with all that you feel.  In this way we can reprogram the habit patterns of the mind that cause suffering.  These patterns always have to do with cravings or aversion–which is why we all suffer so much in our lives.  To eliminate misery, we have to go to the root layer of our mind and stop our patterns.  We learn that everything, EVERYTHING arises and passes.  There is nothing that is permanent.  This is the law of nature or dhamma.  Although most of us know this at some intellectual level, we can never really know it until we feel it in our bodies.  This is why I started with so much pain and by the end, although the pain might have still been there, my aversion to it had lessened.  I had begun to EXPERIENCE the impermanent nature of my pain (as an example) and thus could find the equanimity in feeling it along with the pleasant sensations I felt.

This only touches the surface of my experience of Vipassana meditation.  And I can see how it will be a lifetime practice.  Being back in the real world, though, I already feel less reactive, more calm and even more compassionate.  The challenge now will be to continue my practice for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening.  The teacher  and many experienced meditators say this is the key to success.  The key to getting rid of misery and experiencing true happiness in our lives.

….so I finally learned to meditate…

May all Beings be Happy!

Juan Amigo was in town this weekend and I felt blessed to be able to partake in the festivities.  This is the second time in 3 months I’ve been able to practice with a group of dedicated yogis and yoginis with John leading the way.

John embodies the heart and soul of Anusara Yoga.  When I practice with him as the teacher, I work hard physically, but I also work hard spiritually.  Something I personally strive to do when I am teaching a yoga class or giving a massage is to “hold the space,” to make it a safe place for people to express themselves and get to know their own inner light.  This is often easier said than done.  It is so easy for me to get caught up in my own self-doubt that the light sort of dims.  Besides my beloved therapist, Halima, John is one of a few people I know who truly epitomizes the very essence of creating a light-filled safe space.  What I see in these two wonderful souls is the fact that they’ve come to a place where they recognize their truth vs. the maya or illusion.  They can let their own inner light shine and radiate out to other people because they have come to a place where they can “let go and let god.”  They are fully surrendered to the bigger picture, the universal love that guides us.  John calls this “Opening to Grace,” and by truly doing this every moment, he creates a shakti-filled space for all of us to recognize that we all can soften an open and SHINE!

I observed so many awesome things this weekend.  For one, I loved how John encouraged us to soften our ears and to listen to his voice as we chanted OM together.  The quality of the sound we created changed and blended as we all softened.  I could hear all the harmonics of the mantra, from the beautiful low grounding tones, to the middle timbres, all the way to the upper tones of the “chord” we created.  As our voices resonated, so did our hearts.

I also observed so many “firsts” in asana practice this weekend for my kula mates as well as myself.  Jeremiah rocked an amazing demo of paschimottanasana.  He and I are of the same wound-up hamstrings, so it was inspiring to see his progress in the pose as John assisted.  And it wasn’t just a physical improvement—-it looked to me like something inside Jeremiah shifted as he worked, as if some new layer of his own personal “onion” got peeled.  After that, when we went into janu sirsasana, I could hear him utter his “aha” moment as he nearly effortlessly moved forward.

On day one, I had my own breakthrough in drop backs to urdhva dhanurasana.  The lovely Brigitte was my partner and as she rooted down my hips, she reminded me of my own light through some very sweet heart language, and boom—I got over my fear and dropped back.  Not only did I drop back, but I came back up.  woohooo!!  No pain, just excitement.  Drop backs have been scary for me since my first attempt in San Marcos where my partner accidently dropped me and I hit my head on the wall behind me.  Christina came in and assisted me so I’d immediately have a positive experience which was excellent, because had she not done that, I might be so riddled with fear that I wouldn’t have wanted to try it again.

On day two, I found more balance than ever in handstand and forearm stand.  My partner for the day, the sweet Lisa, also rocked pincha m.  She was amazingly solid in her balance and could have stayed there for several minutes (like our kula mate, Mark, who we sang “happy birthday” to while he balanced upside down).

Like I mentioned with Jeremiah, it just seemed like many of us had more layers of our “onion” peeled away while bathing in the light of John and each other.  I’m super sore today on the outside, but extremely filled and renewed on the inside.

Blessings and light to all!

The beautiful thing about this election is that the American people came together and made a clear choice about who the next president would be.

Tears came to my eyes as I listened to Obama’s victory speech.  Never have I been so moved by a political figure.  Even after winning the race, Obama continues to spread the message of unity, “our stories our seperate but our destinies are one.”  President Obama has many challenges ahead of him, but he fills me with hope for real change in 2009.

Every Halloween that rolls around, I think I can be stoic and not eat any candy.

I am soooo wrong!

The last week nearly did me in with WAAAYYY too much sugar intake.  I even gave in to some milk chocolate candies to which I am allergic.  Doh!  The final straw happened Saturday.  My friend Katie has a tradition where she has friends over and bakes left-over-halloween-candy-cookies.  She uses a chocolate chip cookie recipe, but substitutes the chocolate chips with any number of left over chocolate candies (we’re talking jr. mints, peanut butter cups, milky ways, etc.).  The finished product is a sort of brownie-like cookie cake.  Unfortunately, I humored her by trying a piece of this concoction.  My eyes started watering and a headache ensued.  Sugar is such an addictive substance, and I am not immune to it’s charms…

…..So I decided I needed to cleanse.  Well, I’ve been thinking about it for a while due to the change in the seasons (and the not-so-welcome change in my waistline) and now is as good a time as any.

About twice a year I like to do a two-week cleanse called “The Fat Flush Plan.”  It is from a book of the same name by Ann Louise Gittleman.  I love this plan because it resets my body and my eating habits.  It also forces me to cook more and to really plan my meals instead of relying so much on Central Market and Whole Foods.  Mostly, it breaks my cycle of craving sugar so much.  The basic premise is to cut out sugar (including white flours, breads and pasta), caffiene, alcohol and dairy and to add a cranberry juice/water mixture and a bunch of healthy fats (EPA and GLA as found in flax seed oil and fish oil).  The other beautiful thing about this cleanse is that after the first 2 strict weeks, you can slowly add friendly (complex) carbs and see how your body reacts.  You can actually discover your food allergies if you are patient and add one thing in at a time.

Day 1 for me has been tolerable.  I’ve had a slight headache and have felt a bit light-headed all day.  But it sort of went away while I was teaching this afternoon and then when I took a class.  I’m sure I’m detoxing a bit from all the candy I consumed over the weekend.  I’ve got a few days meals cooked and ready to go, so I’m in good shape to get through, I hope!

On a  different note,  be sure to VOTE tomorrow.  History in the making….

Yup, that’s me.  I have so many ideas in my head that I want to write here, then time goes by and I have more ideas, but I still haven’t gotten the first set down, etc.  So the result:  not writing for weeks.  Hmph!  This is the perfectionist in me that I’m slowly calming.  It’s alright to just write a few lines and not a whole novel, no?

I went to an AWESOME  continuing education class last weekend.  It was titled “Bodywork for the Childbearing Year” with Kate Jordan.  It’s been a while since I’ve been to a class that got me pumped as much as this.  For one, we learned a bunch about being pregnant.  Me being female, am naturally curious about this function that my body is actually programmed to experience.  When people ask me if I want to have children, my answer has always been a bit ambivelent:  “well, maybe…..but I’ve got to have the right partner.”  I still am not entirely sure that I want to raise children (call it being selfish with my time), but after this class, I think it would be beautiful to experience being pregnant and having a natural childbirth.  I am in awe of the women who have done it so gracefully.  We saw a video of 4 different women laboring and giving birth and it made me cry.  What an amazing phenomenon….

On top of learning so much about pregnancy, we just learned  a lot of very effective massage techniques that can help ANYONE!!  Finally, the mysteries of myofascial work were unlocked to me and we learned an amazing method called strain counterstrain.  Kate gave us a quick and dirty lesson on the Alexander Technique for ourselves and our clients, which she thread for the entire 4 day session.  When I think about those principles, my massage-giving becomes more effortless and effective.  I was amazed to get feedback from my fellow students in the class about how much better my touch felt to them when I was using better body mechanics.  Go figure!

So I am excited to use these new tools as I move forward in offering bodywork and I would love to work on more pregnant women!  If you know of any, please send them my way!  By getting massage when you are pregnant, you are not only affecting your own physiology, you may be affecting the next 2 or 3 generations.  Touch is THAT powerful!

ps–HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!